of Sequoia National Park
on the wall next to my bed
when I was twelve.
Where I could look at
the dashed black lines
that represented trails
snaking along the Kaweah River
or the Kern. Over Timber Gap
or switch-backing up the dense
brown contour lines to alpine lakes
high above ten thousand feet.
I fantasized about lot of trips
in that wilderness where the Golden
trout swam and the junipers grew.
That was fine in daylight,
like in the morning before I got
out of bed. At night, with
the lights off, all I had were
my hungry heart and mind.
And what I wanted, what I wished for,
what I begged and tried to bargain
with God for, was for a girlfriend.
A girl who would love me.
And I would love her forever.
I had always wished for that.
When I was four, I went across
the street every day to play
with Carla and her sister.
They had an LP of all the scenes
from The Wizard of Oz and we played
it over and over, we knew all the words.
We especially liked the part where
Glinda asks Dorothy if she has
brought her broom and Dorothy
hasn’t so Glinda says
“Then you’ll have to walk”.
Carla and I told our Moms
that when we grew up, we were
going to get married. But we moved
from Modesto before I turned five.
In second grade, the favorite game
at recess was “girls chase the boys”
and when they caught them,
kiss ‘em and give ‘em cooties.
Nobody chased me. I wanted them to,
cooties or not, especially if Joanie
would kiss me, but she never did.
In third and fourth grade I had friend
who happened to be a girl, Roseanne.
She lived at the dairy across the creek
from our tract home. We climbed trees,
caught blue belly lizards, romped in
the hay loft in the barn.
I wanted her to be my girlfriend,
but we had so much fun doing all
those other things. I never
had the nerve to tell her. Afraid
it would ruin what we did have.
We climbed a lot of trees and
caught a lot of lizards and then
she moved away.
The next year I had crush
on Sharon G, and the year after that
on Sharon W, but I don’t think
they ever really noticed me.
Maybe Sharon W, but she had
serious boyfriends.
I had a map on my wall and
tear-filled prayers that were never
deeply answered for fifty years.
Until now. So I don’t need to have
that "if you only had one wish,
what would it be?" fulfilled any more.
Because it has, in full.
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