how to spoil a plot

your vacuum cleaner is plotting

with the dishwasher, saving all the dirt

hiding under the bed,

the gin dregs in your tumblers,

sharing all of it with the toaster

who was never able to keep secrets.

so now the couch and carpet know

and they're laughing as they pass it on

to your neighbor's dog.

who tells the goldfish and the towels.

it's all recorded. on the radio of your car

from where it's transmitted

through the underground network

of powerlines and water pipes.

only the sewers declined

to participate in the scheme.

so you do at least have the comfort

that your shit is safe. for now.

i understand the phone company

is working with the government

to tap into that mess. this might affect

your credit rating and taxes.

divorce is not uncommon in these cases

or worse. beware. if your guns

are talking to your spouse's cellphone

in the wee hours of the night,

you might not be breathing

when your alarm clock goes off at six.

there are precautions you can take,

in the evening, before you go to bed

sneak up on your television,

be sure it doesn't see you, because

the schemes get hatched

while you are presumably asleep.

so if you slip into the room unseen

and quietly pull the plug,

the conspirators will have to rely

on dixie cups and string.

and those are really easy

to intercept. just get your own

piece of string and paper cup,

tie in along the line, and presto,

you're as good as uncle sam

peeking in the windows

of baton twirlers, used car salesmen

plumbers, waitresses and cabbies.

always protect yourself with foil! it may be

old fashioned, but it's always worked for me.