a coNspIRacy of thINgs!!?!

My vacuum cleaner is plotting

with the dishwasher, saving all the dirt

hiding under the bed,

the gin dregs in my tumblers,

sharing all of it with the toaster

who was never able to keep secrets.

so now the couch and carpet know

and they're laughing as they pass it on

to my neighbor's dog.

who tells the goldfish and the towels.

it's all recorded. on the radio of my car

from where it's transmitted

through the underground network

of powerlines and water pipes.

only the sewers declined

to participate in the scheme.

so I do at least have the comfort

that my shit is safe. for now.

I understand the phone company

is working with the government

to tap into that mess. this might affect

my credit rating and taxes.

bankruptcy is not uncommon in these cases.

or worse. beware. if my guns

are talking to my girlfriend's cellphone

in the wee hours of the night,

I might not be breathing

when the alarm clock goes off at six.

I think my phone has been passing

all my Tinder swipes to hers

and that gets relayed to some server

in the basement of the Kremlin.

Just last night, the refrigerator

shut off the freezer and spoiled

all my frozen Snickers

and corn dogs. Left a message

on the screen: you're too fat.

and sugar cane plantations

in Florida are destroying

the Everglades.

I said, who asked you, Mr glorified ice box?

and the damn refrigerator said,

that's Mr Whirlpool 9000 to you.

and this whole conversation

is going directly to the EPA,

the National Park Service,

the Social Security Administration.

....and Weight Watchers! so beware!

Well! there are precautions that I take.

in the evening, before I go to bed

I sneak up on my television,

making sure it doesn't see me,

because I know the schemes get hatched

while I'm presumably asleep.

so I slip into the room unseen

and quietly pull the plug,

That way, the conspirators

will have to rely on dixie cups and string.

and those are really easy

to intercept. just get your own

piece of string and paper cup,

tie in along the line, and presto,

you're as good as uncle sam

peeking in the windows

of baton twirlers, used car salesmen,

plumbers, waitresses and cabbies.

always protect yourself with foil! it may be

old fashioned, but it's always worked for me.

Just be careful about where you

get the foil, I think the foreign stuff

has listening and mind control

nanochips embedded in it.