Nobody's business

Nobody asked me

If I needed a pest exterminator,

but I got an offer from Terminix.

Maybe they got my name

from the online gun dealer

who sends me this week’s specials

for AR-15s, Smith & Wessons, Glocks, 

and large capacity magazines.

And perhaps they passed

my name to someone who promises

online 100% certified legal

Multi-state concealed carry permits

I’ve been invited to submit an application

to become a hotel receptionist in Cornwall.

And someone named Sarah writes

that she wants to get naked for me.

And apparently there are Russian girls

desperate for a date. Should I send off

for the erection enhancer?

Or the miracle weight loss pill

that claims I could lose

fifty three pounds in seven days?

I might need to try the portable oxygen

generator.  And forget about the coupons

from KFC and McDonalds. Try instead

the twelve tips about foods that fight dementia.

But before I write back to those desperate Russian girls

I better read up the website that says

it has the truth about Herpes.

If all goes well with the nine million Euros

that have been added to my account

I can book a hotel suite in Belgrade,

that some algorithm thinks I’ve been searching for.

Or maybe I should purchase

that luxury condominium

in Maharashtra, India.

I wonder if they have one of the many

smart home monitoring systems

whose promotions fill my in box.

Smart home monitoring for smart people

like me, especially now that I get a daily

word of the day from Word Genius.

Today’s word was mendacious.

An apt term for most of these solicitations

all I did was buy some shoes and a coat

that doesn’t fit. It was a Japanese-style

embroidered coat so perhaps that’s why

I’m asked if I want to meet Asian girls.

It’s enough to tempt me to try

some flavor of the many CBD oils

now on the market. Do those get you high?

Well at least I no longer get mistaken

for some sheriff in Tennessee.

But some algorithm believes

that I’m the parent of of a student

at a private school somewhere in England

where I’ve been assured that the uniforms are brilliant.